WHY THE WAY YOU FIGHT CAN THREATEN YOUR RELATIONSHIP......(A MUST READ )
While conflict in a relationship is inevitable,how you respond to it makes all the difference.If there is one thing couples researchers have pounded into our heads in the last few years is that it is better to fight than to disengage.John Gottman,famous for his claim that he can predict divorce with 94% accuracy after only a few minutes of exposure to a couple ( Buehlman,Gottman & Katz 1992 ) attributes this prediction,atleast in a part,to his ability to identify what he terms "The four horseman of the apocalypse". These include Critisism,contempt,defensivesness and stonewalling.Amongst the four, stonewalling ( withdrawing to avoid conflict ) might be the most toxic.Gottman normalizes fighting in relationships,the fact that couples fight doesn't enter into his calculation ( Gottman 1999 ) It is more of the way they fight that concerns him.
He is much more hopeful about engaged fighting than disengaged fighting.Disengaged fighting looks like this: We have a conflict,you say something that hurts me,and I don't talk to you for the rest of the day or night,week or even a month.
There are a lot of explanations for why being the object of this type of withdrawal is particularly damaging.one is that it actually activates pain centers in our brains that wouldn't otherwise come into play, according to ostracism researcher Kipling Williams,even a brief period of ostracism can activate the anterior cingulate cortex,the part of the brain that detects pain.The silent treatment is akin to the demand.-withdraw pattern many researchers have identified.In which one partner nags or confronts,and the other pulls away.A review of 75 studies that included more than 14,000 participants suggestd that the demand-withdrawal pattern is one of the most damaging types of conflict and a major predictor of divorce.Researches cite as evidence lower relationship satisfaction,poorer communication,less intimacy,conscientiousness,and agreeableness,more neauroticism and aggression and even more physical problems ( including immune,urinary,bowel and rectile concerns )
For some couples,the demand-withdraw pattern starts from a healthy motivation.It can be effective to give ourselves "time out"a few minutes to cool down and get perspective on a conflict.but longer periods of withdrawal and especially intentional avoidance of ones partner following a conflict,and can erode even a strong relationship.couples therapist can attest to this,and they tend to to see disengagement as the most difficult problem to treat.Its a relief when couples fight or report fighting to a therapist.This means that they still care and makes it easier to resolve.
Jessica Grogan ( June 30 2014 )
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